What is consent?
YES PLEASE! I AM SO DOWN! LET’S GO! THAT’S AMAZING! These are just a few examples of what consent might look like. Simply put, consent is an enthusiastic agreement to engage in any sort of sexual activity with someone else. Whether it is kissing someone or having sex - consent is vital in ensuring the pleasure and comfort of both parties. Any sexual activity where consent is not present is sexual assault.
When in doubt, ask for consent
Consent doesn’t always have to be seen in a sexual context. As a society, we should be learning about consent as early as pre-K or kindergarten in order to establish boundaries, learn about appropriate vs. inappropriate touching, and develop ongoing respectful relationships with peers. A number of viral Tik Toks have exemplified consent in action, showing parents teaching their children to ask for consent to give a hug and also, learning how to give consent when the parent asks for a hug. Although the majority of you are much older than the kids in these Tik Toks, the message is still pertinent. When in doubt, you should always ask for consent. Whether that means you are asking a friend if you can give them a hug or asking your date if you can kiss them, you should be asking for consent. You might think that sounds unnecessary, but by asking for consent you are showing a baseline of respect for the other person and in general, your friendships and relationships will be much more comfortable and enjoyable.
How does consent benefit relationships or a sexual experience?
Consent in and of itself is a tool that ensures mutual comfort and respect in any type of physical activity. Here are some ways that consent will benefit your relationships, hook-ups, and sexual experiences:
- ✿ You will feel safe and comfortable with the other person and they will feel safe and comfortable with you
- ✿ You show that you care and respect someone and vice versa
- ✿ You will have better sex. Knowing that both parties have consented enthusiastically to a sexual experience means that you prioritize one another needs and therefore, pleasure.
- ✿ By checking in actively during a sexual experience, you are ensuring that the person’s comfort and pleasure are enjoyable throughout and that they are a priority.
Consent is sexy
Traditionally, consent is taught in a robotic way that doesn’t always seem applicable to an actual sexual experience. This is why we think it is incredibly important to underscore just how hot and sexy consent really is. There are literally a million ways that consent can be sexy and it is absolutely not a mood killer. It shows that you appreciate the other person and respect them. Don’t believe us? Look at these sexy examples:
- ✿ Can I kiss your neck?
- ✿ Can I hold your hand?
- ✿ Can I play with your hair?
- ✿ Can I go down on you?
- ✿ Can I pin you down?
- ✿ Can we have sex in the shower?
Consent and kinks
Just like any other sexual activity, you need to ask for consent if you want to engage in a kink. Some common kinks are bondage, choking, blindfolding, and restricting the other person. Although all of these kinks can accentuate a sexual experience and often increase pleasurable sensations, they can be quite terrifying if done without consent. If you are interested in trying a kink with a partner or hook up, just ask!
F - freely given
- ✿ consent is a choice made without being under the influence of alcohol or drugs and without the presence of pressure, manipulation, or coercion. consent never needs convincing.
R - reversible
- ✿ consent can be taken away at any time, even mid-act. even if it is something you have done before, even if it is something you were just about to do, and even if the person is naked in front of you. you always have the right to revoke consent when you wish to.
I - informed
- ✿ consent can only be given when the details match up. for example, if someone says they are going to use a condom and then they take it off and continue to try to have sex, that isn’t consenting.
E - enthusiastic
- ✿ consent should be enthusiastic! when it comes to sexual activity, it should only be something you want to do and not something you feel like you have to do.
S - specific
- ✿ saying yes to one thing doesn’t mean saying yes to everything. for example, saying yes to making out doesn’t mean you’ve said yes to having sex.
What is NOT consent?
On top of a flat out “no”, consent isn’t:
- ✿ Implied by past behavior: Consent must be given for each sexual activity, even if you have already engaged in the activity before, This also means that if you agreed to have sex with someone and then change your mind when you meet up with them, you have not consented to any sexual activity
- ✿ What you are wearing: how few or many clothes you have on never equate to consent
- ✿ Where you are
- ✿ Silence
- ✿ Automatically given to your significant other or long-term sexual partner
20 verbal synonyms for “no”
- ✿ I’m not in the mood
- ✿ I’m dating someone
- ✿ I’m not comfortable with that
- ✿ No thanks
- ✿ Please don’t touch me
- ✿ You/I’ve been drinking
- ✿ Maybe
- ✿ I should really head home soon
- ✿ I don’t feel well right now
- ✿ Absolutely not
- ✿ Let’s just watch a movie
- ✿ Let’s just go to sleep
- ✿ I’m really tired, I wanna just go to bed
- ✿ I’m not ready
- ✿ My friends are waiting for me so I need to go
- ✿ I wanna be alone right now
- ✿ I’m not really feeling it
- ✿ I change my mind
- ✿ I don’t want to anymore
- ✿ Let’s stop
20 verbal synonyms for “no”
- ✿ Silence
- ✿ Unconsciousness
- ✿ Crying
- ✿ Multiple “no’s” followed by a “yes”
- ✿ Pushing you away
- ✿ Not participating
- ✿ Shaking
- ✿ Turning away
- ✿ Moving your hands away
- ✿ Wincing in pain
- ✿ Looking uncomfortable
- ✿ Tension
- ✿ Literally any negative facial expression
- ✿ Vomiting
- ✿ In and out of consciousness
- ✿ Lack of movement
- ✿ Hyperventilating
- ✿ Shaking head “no”
- ✿ Moving away from you
- ✿ Shrugging
The issue with “no means no”
Most of us have probably heard the mantra “no means no” when it comes to consent. This means that if someone says no to engaging in a sexual activity then that activity is not consented to. Although important, “no means no” has a couple of problematic consequences. First, it places blame onto survivors of sexual assault. Often, survivors might not explicitly say “no” out of fear, shock, panic, or the hopes that silence will let the activity end sooner. Instead of “no means no”, we like the saying “yes means yes” much more. This turns consent into something fun and exciting that will ultimately make all of your sexual experiences more enjoyable and pleasurable.
20 ways to ask for consent
- ✿ Do you want to have sex?
- ✿ What would feel good for you?
- ✿ Are you okay with this?
- ✿ Should I change the pace?
- ✿ Should I get a condom?
- ✿ Can we try something different?
- ✿ Are you having fun?
- ✿ All good?
- ✿ Does this turn you on?
- ✿ Are you comfortable?
- ✿ Should I keep going?
- ✿ Should I stop?
- ✿ Wanna change positions?
- ✿ Does this feel good?
- ✿ Do you like this?
- ✿ Want me to do ___?
- ✿ Do you want to take a break?
- ✿ Wanna do another round?
- ✿ Do you need some water?
- ✿ Just checking in
20 verbal synonyms for “no”
- ✿ Wow!
- ✿ I love that
- ✿ Don’t stop
- ✿ I like it like that
- ✿ Hell yes
- ✿ Oooooh yes
- ✿ I’m so down
- ✿ Let’s do it
- ✿ Yes, I wanna have sex
- ✿ That sounds amazing
- ✿ Let’s keep going
- ✿ I love this
- ✿ This is fun
- ✿ YES YES YES
- ✿ This is incredible
- ✿ I’d love to
- ✿ Let’s keep going
- ✿ I’m enjoying this
- ✿ This feels so good
- ✿ Right there
